No matter how many times I say to myself, “She had a good, full life,” I just can’t handle it! I love you so much! My mind understands, my heart is cracked open, and my soul weeps! Oh, my sweet little girl. My goofy, tender, fruit-loving being, how much joy and tenderness you brought into my life! You were the best snuggler, peacekeeper, my sun-loving little yogi. Oh, how much I miss you! Thank you for 17 years of being my confidant, my companion, my teacher, and my best friend. I love you, my tender, loving sweetheart. I love you so much and always will. You are free now. It’s ok. It’s ok, my baby… You are going to be ok…

To My Sun-Loving Yogi

I’ve been chanting mantras to myself,
whispering to the shadows in my living room –
“She had a good, full life, she had a good, full life.”
But my heart? It doesn’t listen. It doesn’t understand the language of ‘enough’
or ‘be at peace.’
It knows only the dialect of ‘more’ and ‘stay.’
 
Oh, how I love you –
with a fierceness that rips through the seams of my being,
with a weight that anchors my soul to the depths of the unseen.
 
My mind, it nods – it gets it, it really does.
But my heart? Split wide open.
And my soul? It’s down on its knees,
crying out in a language only the stars can comprehend.
 
You, my sweet little girl –
Goofy, tender, chasing after the sweetness of life like it was your birthright.
Bringer of joy, of light, painter of my monochrome days
in hues of love and tenderness I never knew I needed.
 
The best snuggler, peacekeeper,
my sun-loving little yogi,
every new morning stretching into the warmth of our shared sunbeams,
finding solace in the quiet, in the heat, in the light…
 
Oh, how I miss you!
Miss you like the desert misses the rain,
like the night sky misses the moon.
 
Thank you – for seventeen times around the sun,
for being the compass, the confidante, the keeper of my secrets,
my companion, my teacher, my anchor in stormy seas,
my best friend – the one who knew me better than I knew myself.
 
I love you, my tender, loving sweetheart,
with every broken piece of my heart,
with every tear that falls in the quiet of the night,
I love you – past, present, and every moment in between.
 
You are free now –
beyond the pain, beyond the fear, beyond the veil,
dancing in the fields where the sun never sets,
and the fruit hangs low and sweet.
 
It’s okay, it’s okay, my baby…
You are going to be okay…
And someday, 
somehow, 
so will I.
I love you always.

(03/31/2024 © Julia Delaney)

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