After years of yoga and meditation and everything I’ve been through, I thought -“I got it.” Yet, I found myself suffering… again. I mean deep suffering, feeling it, swimming in it!!! I got so disappointed with myself!!! “Me? Suffering? No, You better straighten up, girl!”
Dive into my head (if you are interested), as I’m figuring out the root of my suffering.
I actually did! I figured it out! …I think….
The student learns by daily increment.
The way is gained by daily loss,
Loss upon loss until
At last, comes rest.
By letting go, it all gets done;
The world is won by those who let it go!
But when you try and try,
The world is then beyond the winning.
Tao Te Ching
It’s been longer than three months now. Every morning I wake up with the hope that I can step on my feet with no pain, yet to be disappointed.
It is nothing in comparison to what I’ve been through in my life. It is just a foot injury. So why then do I suffer?
I can’t be on my feet for more than 10 min at a time… The doctor said I should stay off my feet.
It is hard.
The good news is it doesn’t hurt when I sit… Almost.
I need more patience…
Why can I be patient with others but not with myself? The second I feel better, I get excited and jump into action, injuring myself even further.
I thought I was more mature than that. Much more!…
Here we go… Righteousness… I know it all, don’t I?
I had the same injury 12 years ago. I recovered within a few months (as far as my memory goes). With all the daily yoga and meditation I have been doing for the past six years, I thought the recovery would be a piece of cake.
Expectations! Yep. Here we go again!
Things are definitely not meeting my expectations. Things…
Those are not things. It is reality.
This is my reality here and now that I’m trying to ignore, escape, take control over, be in charge…
I have the right to be in charge. This is my body, after all, right? So is that what I’m doing?
That is exactly what I’m doing. I’m dictating to my body what will happen, setting due dates and conditions.
Is that love?
Julia, you know better! 🤦🏼♀️
Here it is! The cause of my suffering.
The cause of my suffering is an attachment to the idea of who I was.
I was an early riser, bare feet beach-goer, yoga-doer, joyful kitchen keeper, tree-hugging hiker, nature explorer, long-distance city walker, life-loving heart keeper. The truth is, I still am but in a slightly different way.
I have a clear idea of how I wish I were rather than the way I am.
The way I am here and now.
Can I have this idea, this vision of how I want myself to be to hang around in my consciousness but without holding attachment to it?
Can I look at things just the way they are without expectation and without preconceived ideas?
The existential fact is – Here I am, sitting on the chair with my feet injured, fibromyalgia, and joint pain.
It is just a pain.
I allow pain in my feet and knees to be.
Ok, pain is… and there is a sound of the birds on a tree…. The sun is shining; it is nice and warm, kissing my face. I feel great, and I see the grotesque situation I’m in. I’m so fortunate that I have people who allow me to be and willingly take upon themselves some of my responsibilities. I’m so grateful that I’m still here, kicking.
The idea of myself, of who I used to be, is not who I’m now, at this very moment. Right Now.
Letting go of expectations and preconceived ideas is not easy. The truth is that my mind is constantly comparing, and this comparison is constantly recreating suffering.
If I have an idea of life without any suffering in it, no unexpected reverses, nothing that I didn’t plan for – I’m setting myself up for suffering.
Life isn’t like that.
“The only constant in life is change” – Buddha.
Everything in the Universe is constantly changing, including my body, mind, social and world situations. All of it.
Every time my mind gets hold of the preconceived notion of who I am, where I am going, an expectation that it will be a certain way arises. When this happens, I’m just asking for suffering.
That’s the place where I get cut a lot.
So when I’m sitting in meditation, and shortly after I feel great, things seem to clear up; I stop being an injured person for a moment there, and go back to joyful, happy, present me. Until I go back to the daily chores, and slowly I’m grabbing again. “If only I didn’t have this damn injury, I could cook this, or film this, or go for a walk “… and off I go…
It is actually quite fascinating to watch how my brain creates suffering. That can be an endless show if I just let it roll.
So is it my injury that is the suffering or is it my mind’s reaction to it that is the suffering?
Right now, I’m injured, but I’m so busy not being injured! I’m trying to straighten out my back and walk normally; I even did some physical yoga practices several times when I felt a bit better, just to rip my poor soles again.
I go back to the beach and walk on the sand “carefully” just to suffer the consequences of the balancing act my poor feet had to perform.
I would get so upset with my body that it was not healing quick enough (after all, I had this injury 12 years ago and was back on my feet within a few months).
What am I doing? What am I resisting?
It is very hard for me to feel dependent on others. It makes me feel vulnerable.
Or maybe I’m not taking responsibility for mistreating and abusing my body. It gave me plenty of warning signs that I ignored. Instead, I pushed it hard when it was asking for maintenance. Why did I do that?
Maybe I have a hard time accepting my biological age? My vehicle is getting old-er; it needs more service time nowadays.
My body served me well for so long. I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. 🙏🏻
Right now, I’m injured. That’s all there is to it.
Recovery is long, but it will happen.
I’m letting go.
I’m letting go of the mind that grabs and holds tightly.
That’s all 🙏🏻
Let it go 💫
Be Alive 🌱,
❤ Love, Julia