Acceptance: Barefoot Through Brambles
In one of the most daunting challenges I’ve ever faced, accepting my loss, there were moments when I’d awaken in the morning, expecting to find the world as it once was. But as the hazy edges of dreams receded, the stark contours of my altered reality seeped in. I had to grapple with the undeniable truth that things had irreversibly changed. Swallowing this bitter pill was heart-wrenching – there was no turning back, no magic wand to restore what was lost. This profound change had cast a long shadow over my life, a constant reminder of a deviated path, leaving me wandering in unfamiliar territory.
In the depth of that realization, I found myself tangled in the thorny brambles of denial, bargaining, despair, and regret. I replayed moments over and over, like a helpless moth drawn to the flame of ‘what if’. The relentless surge of change was an ever-present force. Each day felt like a battle, a fight against the current of change, a struggle to accept the new normal, to reconcile with the unfamiliar landscape of my life.
Finding myself in the thick of denial, I felt like I was chatting with my own echo in an empty room. The constant sound of ‘why’ ricocheted off the walls of my thoughts. It was as if I were a traveler with a map of a place that no longer existed, fumbling to find my footing on unfamiliar terrain. That ‘why’ was a backpack filled with bricks, and I felt like I had no choice but to carry it.
Then came the bargaining… It was a bit like trying to haggle at a market stall where the seller is utterly unmoved. I found myself trying to trade the peaceful present for a few moments of the past. The irony is that life is the strictest of shopkeepers. It wouldn’t let me swap today’s calm for yesterday’s storm.
And boy, the despair… Despair felt like standing at the edge of a cliff with a blindfold on. I couldn’t see the bottom, but I knew it was there. My heart felt hollow, with every beat echoing into its emptiness. It’s like standing in a fierce wind, exposed, all alone, with nothing but your loss swirling around you like fallen leaves. That’s how I felt…
As for all those cherished moments, they kept playing like old home movies. Sweet moments of laughter and love were now silent films that only I could see. And regret… that sneaky thing; it started knitting a scarf of ‘what could have been,’ every knot a painful reminder of a different ending that never happened.
I want to tell you that every day felt like a tug of war with change. Waking up was like stepping into the boxing ring, and each night was just catching a breath before the next round. This new ‘normal’ was like learning a new dance, one where I had to move to the rhythm of resilience.
But you know, in all of this, I figured that accepting what had happened wasn’t some finish line I had to cross. It was more like taking a long walk on a winding path. Each step was a quiet chat with my inner self, and every breath felt like a handshake agreement with acceptance. And you know, I walked this path not because I was brave, but because I didn’t have any other road to take. This path I tread not out of courage, but necessity – the only way forward.
Once I started embracing this reality, something shifted within me. I noticed the morning sun rays dancing on my skin, the symphony of birds chirping outside my window, the comforting warmth of a cup of tea. I realized my life had indeed changed, but my capacity for love and happiness was still there, untouched, perhaps even expanded by the depth of my grief.
That’s when I understood that it was okay to grieve and, at the same time, find joy in the little things life had to offer. It was okay to miss what was while appreciating what is. It was okay to cry for the past and smile for the present. Grief didn’t have to be an all-consuming darkness; it could coexist with the light. And so, even amidst the echoes of my loss, I found pockets of happiness hidden in everyday moments, waiting to be discovered.
Where Sorrow Slept
an unspoken promise
was quietly kept.
Tucked between what was and will be,
a morsel of acceptance,
started to unfold to me…
(2022 © Julia Delaney)
(2020 © Julia Delaney)
Be Alive 🌱
Love ❤️, Julia
A Journey Through Loss
GUIDED MEDITATIONS 💗
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