“I danced with denial,
swaying, spinning,
in the silent dance
of unending beginning”
Finding myself in the thick of denial in the mids of grief, I felt like I was chatting with my own echo in an empty room. The constant sound of ‘why’ ricocheted off the walls of my thoughts. It was as if I were a traveler with a map of a place that no longer existed, fumbling to find my footing on unfamiliar terrain. That ‘why’ was a backpack filled with bricks, and I felt like I had no choice but to carry it.
Denial
an actor on a stage,
reality at stake.
I walked the tightrope of ‘as it was,’
the spotlight of truth paused on ‘because’.
Shadows danced in my echoing room,
A dance of ‘why’ in resounding gloom.
Footsteps treading on yesterday’s map,
fumbling in the heart of a memory’s lap.
Stooped under questions,
a backpack of stones,
Through corridors of the past,
amidst silenced tones.
Reality knocked,
yet I chose the blind,
In the fortress of denial,
a self-imposed bind…
My heart mirrored an abandoned hall,
echoing ‘why’, a resounding call.
On the playbook of yesterday,
my mind insisted,
against the tide of truth,
that my heart resisted.
Wearing denial like a cloaked mask,
hiding in the comforts of the past.
Like a child with fingers in my ears,
I drowned out the chorus of mounting fears.
But the drumbeat of reality,
steady and clear,
Played its rhythm,
for all to hear.
I danced with denial, swaying, spinning,
in the silent dance of unending beginning.
Yet, beneath the whispers and the shouts,
the seed of truth began to sprout.
Even cloaked in the comfort of denial’s song,
I knew the tune wouldn’t play for long.
(2016 © Julia Delaney)
If you find yourself in similar shoes, know that it’s okay. It’s okay to question, to feel disoriented, to bear the weight of that heavy ‘why’. Know that it’s not your fault. We often entangle ourselves in a web of self-blame, thinking we chose this, we caused this, we deserved this. But more often than not, we didn’t. Life happens in ways we can’t always predict or control. You did not choose this, and you certainly do not deserve it.
It can be a lengthy road, separating ourselves from the harsh whispers of self-condemnation. Be kind to yourself, to extend the same compassion and understanding to yourself as you would to a beloved friend. Because, when the world feels like it’s in fragments, self-compassion can act as a gentle glue, piecing together the shards of our broken normal.
Untangling
(2021 © Julia Delaney)
Be Alive 🌱
Love ❤️, Julia
Feel More Connected and Less Alone 💞
FROM MY HEART TO YOURS
GUIDED MEDITATIONS 💗
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